New year, new me, new all.

 I think we all change a bit all the time, not just in new year ,but it feels extra strong at this time, right? Ah, I mean the celtic new year, that I've been celebrating for years now, as part of my pagan tradition, which is quite random and eclectic.

 So, I found amazing things yesterday at this store with mom, matcha latte ready to drink, vegan of course, cocoa latte, a soap with affirmations made of natural, real cinammon and stuff, tasty , nice looking lipsticks, etc.

I've never wore anything similar to red lipstick...I was excited ,I was scared as well, I thought...I thought I'd look like a caricature of a woman, even if I myself am a woman and had always identified as one.

I can pinpoint it to the age when I was like getting into the "gay" world, with friends, most were men and most of those men dressed up as girls, they looked quite good, but I feel somehow they looked down on lesbians, cos they kinda felt that the stereotype of a lesbian not wearing makeup and not being able to be girly was true and kinda made remarks about it and well, me being around 16 and silly, I at some point also believed that and that if they, men, not trans women, but men, could look really good and got it all together, I couldn't cos I was just a plain lesbian.

I hadn't realize this, till this year, maybe 2 months ago, I am more in sync with my femenine energy, I know it's not all about makeup and nails, but those things definetely give off this nice, girlish vibe, I now noticed I've been chasing that but being too scared of not being good enough.

I'm a cis woman scared of not being womanly enough, at the same time not wanting to overdo it... How is this, it's really surprising, to me, I thought I was just ok being "plain", turns out I wanna shine, be out there.

So for this new, not facet, but for this new side of myself, unexplored till now, I am taking care of approaching it from the emotional side, like being more open, asking for help, receiving gladly, and on the outside too, been letting my hair down more. It definetely is a confidence issue for me.

I see many people run from the stereotypical femenine things, and I see myself running into them, on purpose. Life truly is wonderful.

This makes sense tho, cos I also realized I'd need and prefer a girl with more masculine energy, not the appeareance, I mean the hmm "protective giver vibe", but giving I also mean sexually lol, mostly actually.

So yah, it makes sense I feel leaning towards being more femenine myself.

OH MY GODDESS, that is why I also never did too much for my looks...I didn't think I'd "attract" a more femine looking girl if I looked pretty and also I wouldn't dare to even talk to conventionally pretty girls cos, well, they too pretty.

Jesus ducks, so many revelations! This year's gonna be bomb!

 


 



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